ppl may b bored hearin me whine bout tis agn...
bt tis tym im sure its gona hpn...
s much s i dowan & hope it wun hpn,
it will...

I'm gona fail tis semester

yes,
u read it ryt...
im gona fail...
its oni e 2nd ppr bt i noe hw e result wil b...
it juz kil me totalie...
i cnt even complete one whole qn witout feelin unsure...
ders no confidence wen i did e ppr...
non....
zilch...
i was feelin lyk crap even b4 e ppr start...
in fact b4 i slp e nyt b 4 i was oredy feelin lyk crap...
i noe fer sure i wun mk it...
der goes ma goal in achieven at least gpa of 3 fer tis sem...
haiz...
y cnt i b lyk otha studs?
easily pass no,
score eir pprs....
grad wit a transcript full of Dist's,A's & B's...
bt mine?
oni Cs, Ds & soon...
F...
y muz lyf b judge based on ppr qualification?

i wld rather b sum1 hu doesnt hv dip or degree bt climb up e success ladder & mk it big one dae
than bein a lyfless phD or masters holder stuck in e office cubicle hu fegets e beauty of sunset & brids chirpin anrd him...
i wana b successful
YES!
hu doesnt?
bt i wana learn frm e bottom...
i hate it wen ppl look dwn on ppl witout "proper" qualification...
i blif in e phrase,
"no pain, no gain"
hw many enterpreneurs/successful ppl actualy mk it big straight to e top?
i dare sae minority of em...
tk Mustafa fer eg...
he started smal...
reli smal i sld sae...
bt look at his biz nw?
a 24hr shoppin ctr
+ a string of otha biz which i cnt rmbr...
kkz mebe Donald Trump...
i feget hw he started bt i noe he start frm scratch...
& look at tt old man nw...
wowz....
i wana b lyk tt!
i wana mk it big in e future...
bt i wana start frm scratch & learn it e hard way...
coz i noe i wun mk it if i start straight frm e top...
i will flop lyk shyt...
im nt e gifted type tt can absorb & catch thangz fast...
im pratical...
means i nid to pratice & hands on to achieve sth...

tt explains pretty much y i dun excel much in studies compared to otha stuff...
ya,
u can sae i excel in my CCAs or wadeva tts related...
bt im nt brainy....
i dun score s well in studies...
& nw fer sure,
im gona repeat a sem...
& wen im lookin fer werk in e future,
damn hell its gona b tough...
i cnt even mk ma dreams of gg to NIE to bkum a tcher kum true...
i noe im gg to b a disspoinment to ma folks...
bt i gues e "repeat" tradition runs in e fam...

haiz...
i wish tis werld chg its way of lookin at a person's capabilities...

oh god,
i pray to u that i will pass this semester & will not repeat any module...
amin......

i heard tt u r tokin shyt & u tink i din hear it...

tis song is effin addictive...
i swear i wil rmbr tis song fer eternity...

wadeva...
tts hollaback gyul fyi...
had a fun lovin super enjoyable dae todae...
ma brain juz went missin!
tried to mug bt e brain juz gt lost sumwer...
tried to slp bt e body gt lost too...
i juz cnt do anth tt i wan todae...
nt coz it i was stopped by mom wadsoeva...
bt fer sum unnoen rzon tt even e scientist cld nt find accurate ans to it,
i cnt get ma body system to cooperate wit each otha!

heart: "im in fer muggin"
body: "im achin"
mind: "let's mug"
soul: "im shag"

c e conflict?
half of me wana mug bt e otha half was omoz dyin...
ya so i did mug fer e oh so luvly audit...
manage to wryt out one beautifully done mind map fer one chapter in an hr...
den did an accuracy audit objective on ma facc to c if ma ans r correct...
corrected em bt dun understand hw i gottit...
did tt while watch soccer...
dun tok boutit...
stupid effin ref....
blardy ^&^%!~
Teeveein til 1am...
mug tru 3 more chapters of audit...
did a rough mind map fer a chap...
den brain cnt tk it anemore & mind shoutin her mind's off to check e mail...
so ya....
tts hw i ended up here...
wat a nice dae ya...
im disiplinin maself to b a gd gyul & stay at hm to study...
*wink2*....
I WANA SCORE LARZ BLARDY HELL!
*wide eyed innocent winks*

ma eyes r dryin up fast....
bt e mind is too tired to slp...
& e brain juz achin to hit e keyboards wit games...
nyehehehhe....

*i wish i cn dance*

i nid to get my priorities ryt...bin doin too many stuff at one go...tot i cld handle it all...bt it juz gt messier dae by dae...hakz...i dun even noe wat im tinkin manz? tried to focus on revision & study at tis moment....yes, mamnage to do tt in e wkends....bt it died todae....urgh!...hate it wen tis hpn....wen cn i ever b consistent? cmon ila....get ur mind straight....tink staright tt is....dun kip tinkin bout ur probs & feget ur priorities....u nid to get a hold of urself....thangz arent bad s u assume....lyf is full of ups & dwns....& u hafta face tt bravely....its nt lyk tis is ur first tym havin probs....its e countless tyms gyuls....juz face it....be bold & faced it....ders no use starin at e open airspace dwellin on it...nt tt u cnt dwell on it, bt nt fer too long....u r makin urself feelin worse gyul....u r makin urself feelin waaaaay to worse....pardon me fer e stupid engrish im makin here coz im basicalie typin lyk one mad women tryin to get all e tots in werds....or sld i sae get al e werds typed out in werds....hakz....im juz gettin insane dae by dae....i wana b left alone, bt at e same tym i wana hv sum1 wimme....bt nt tok to em...i noe....selfish...i wana ged outta hs bt i noe tts nt e wise thang to do....face e prob gyul....face e prob...runnin wun solve it...i felt worse wen i was at clb juz nw...i dunno y.....bt i sld sae evrythang at hm is gettin betta....hp it'll stay tis way....if wan more prob to kum, kum aft e exams....hakz.....wadeva....i nid tym to reflect....bt fer nw, i nid to conc on exams & set my priorities straight....exams fer nw! study ila! STUDY!

i nid to catch up wimme my dearie.....will kol u up ltr at nyt dear!

PS: Any takers to watch Guru wimme? Lolz...

omg...
im bein temperemental...
v temperemental...
yes,
i noe ive bin temperenmental tis few daes...
way too temperenmental...
gt easily annoyed smal lil thang...
omg omg omg...
i feel so foolish...
hw cn i act tis way?
hv hurt so many ppl manz...
even my own mom...
watz wrong wimme?
muz thang lyk tis owis hpn nearin major exams?
im scared...
i cnt go on leadin a lyf lyf tis...
its similar s suicidin manz...
s tho im diggin ma own great...
im lookin fer prob...
yes i noe...
hafta chill...
hafta cool dwn...
oh
i feel lyk an idiot tinkin bout my rashful act...
im sory!
to hueva it may concern...
omg omg omg...
im sory sory sory...
haiz....
muz gt a hang of myself...
wake ila!
WAKE UP!

anws...
2 malayu testerone kena caught by MRT officer fer eatin in e train...
stupid bobo...
tts e oni thang tt curved a smile acorss my face todae...
heheh....
ey were kinda cute tho...
;p

I have no choice....

burp!
im stuff...
totalie stuff to e brim...
dunno watz wrong wimme tis few daes...
bin eatin late at nyt...
& i dun mean eatin finger food nibblish stuff...
bt real meal...
rice larz...
2 pratas larz...
lyk,
wtf ila!
r u tryin to gorge urself wit food?
sheesh...
insane ila...
insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane...

i realise ive nt bin consistent wit my werk...
my revision bin gg lyk shyt...
todae study,
tmr stop...
den e foloin dae study,
e foloin foloin dae stop...
wth...
watz wrong wimme?
i feel s tho ive nt conc much on myself uh...
i kip tinkin & blardyly analysing ppl...
hakz....
yupz..
my fav hobby...
"analysing ppl"...
i reli sld stop doin tt...
its gettin e bad on me...
bt tinkin of tt hobby of mine,
is der any job tt involves analysing ppl?
i wld lyk to go fer it...
coz i tink,
well,
it suits me!
hakz...

im gettin insane...
insanely weird...
i cn stare tru e walls fer hrs & nt gt bored...
serious!
ive bin to e clubby to study e past few daes...
kkz...
basicalie i cnt study at hm due to e cosyness of my oh-so-lovely rm...
so i nid to escape to sch to mug...
& clubby is e moz suitable plc s it is comfy,
bt yet,
hv e muggish atmosphere...
plus i dun mind e enterin & exitin of ppl to & from e clubby...
at least i wun gt bored...
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut........
i gt tis serious prob of wall gazin b4 revision starts...
it doesnt oni occur at clubby...
bt even at hm...
its scarin me...

oh tokin bout scary,
had anotha scary deja vu at clubby juz nw...
basicalie e gerls,
mesh reg sabz me,
we were tokin bout tis new theatre course in SP...
& suddenly e whole scene bkum freakingly familiar...
whoa...
its s tho a flashback...
bt i cnt rmbr wer i seen e scene...
its reli creepy i tell u...
e sittin position & topic were exactly e same...
it shocked me fer a moment...
wel,
i dunno wat tt deja vu mean...
hope it juz a plain deja vu...

anws...
so ya...
havent reli started on my revison yet...
shucks...
hw i wish i stil hv e O's period attitude...
it juz died dwn on me soon aft e O's ended...
ya...
its hell,
bt at least it gv me gd results...
& i nid gd results...
coz i feel my diploma will b redundant & useless in future...
which i hv a feelin it will b larz...
haiz...
ila ila ila...
tink on e bright side puh leees...

hvnt reli tok to mom either...
i dunno if she is stil mad at me notz ar...
bt,
she doesnt give me e "mad" aura anemore...
& i cnt reli sense if she's ok or notz..
im confuse...
bt i try nt to tink too much of it...
its hurtin ya,
bt i haf to move on...
i nid to focus on exams...
ya,
bin escapin to sch coz of tis too...
& ya,
i feel bad...
bt i nid tym alone to reflect on myself...
i tink i did...
i oni nid courage to face to her...
wat beng said is true...
im e type of person hu is nt ready to gv...
its damn scary hw he noes exactly hw a person character is...
i nid to chg tt character of me...
haiz...
dowana tok bout it...
my head hurts...

i nid to rest...
or sld i study first?

boohoo....
beng maynt b our instructor fer e nxt AY...
bt hvnt cnfrm larz...
pray hard his contract will b extended...

e club lyk attach to him oredy larz...
summore we r in e spirit of doin army daze...
kkz...
"spirit"?
sldnt use tt werd...
basically e club is in e middle of doin army daze wit beng...
so if suddenly sum bugger kum in & tk ova him,
evrythang may chg larz...
der may b recastin & shyt...
& i wun gt to play lathi...
sobz...
e club is close wit beng larz...
thick thin shyt ups dwns screw ups enjoyments...
if he leave,
its s tho i dunno...
a huge loss...
s tho a part of e club is taken away...
a huge part of e club tt is...
feel kinda hmless sorta thangz...
well...
i juz cldnt put it in werds larz...
its a terrible feelin of loss...
period..
dunno bout e rest...
bt tts hw i feel larz...
hope e sch will extend his contract...
pls pls pls....
dun b an idiot juz coz we dun hv annual tis AY,
u wana end his contract...
tts nonsensical...
we r doin a big production fer next AY hello!
& we hv even started reh nw,
yes,
ryt nw,
wen e show is gona b sumwer btwn jun-jul...
c hw enthu we r in doin e show?
c hw he's willin to sacrifice his brain juice & pray hard each tym he dun get heart attack & vomit blood weneva production tym kums?
hope e sch consider extendin his contract...
pls pls pls...

pls let his contract extend...
sobz...

Things I desperately need right now:

1. FACC: All tutorials except 4 & 11.
2. FF: Lecture part 2 notes & all tutorials.
3. CACC: All tutorials except 4-7 & 10.
4. Taxation: Lecture notes on Economic Expansion Income & GST. All tutorials except 7,9 & 10.
5. Audit: All tutorials.

Somebody save me!!!

here i am...
stuck here in e sch lab...
wat a great way to start e wk...
practicalie juz attendin e "lesson"...
lovely grpmates more or less done wit e proj...
so much fer grp proj...
al i get to do is sit back & watch...
i juz dun get e pt...
i wana do sth fer e proj...
anth larz...
it's an IT proj anws...
so obviously i cnt do e system larz...
bt at least lemme do e report larz...
eir engresh is basically lyk....
omg....
kinda screw up i hafta sae...
nt tt mine is fab...
bt eirs is juz...
well....
nt reli der yet...
since ey r gd in IT,
kkz fine...
ya'll do tt part...
bt give me e report to do...
i feel lost & redundant in e grp seh...
u gv me werk,
i will do...
doesnt mean i dun do tuts i practicalie dun do werk...
tts a farkin lame comparison...
well...
no use complainin boutit nw...
eyve done it...
screw it...
i will mk sure i edit e report before submission...
whether ey lyk it or not,
screw it...
i cnt let em submit wit tt kind of engresh...
an embarrasement i wld sae...
wadeva...
im shag...
miserably shag...
i wan hv tc tmr...
bt its a big possibility der wun b any larz...
haiz....
tc is e oni form of entertain & fun i hv in sch seh...
s in lyk a wkly form of distress...
hakz....
no doubt now & den probs arises ar...
bt e werkshop is e bez cure fer al my moodyness...
hakz...
im crappin nonsensical thangz here...
s sum of ya'll noe,
im havin a rough tym tis few daes...
so ya...
dun get on my nerve...
tts my warning....
quiet i shall be,
violent i may be...
fer those u understand,
understand larz hor...
those hu dun....
too bad...

wad e fark wrong witchu ppl!
u simply wana me folo each evry werd tt u sae
& wana me folo evrythang tt u did
do u even realise tt im growin up?
im no longer e todler tt u cn instruct wat to do & not
i hv my own mind now
wadeva u sae,
will definitely hv an impact on me
b it gd or bad
y cnt u farkers understand tt?
im not tt farkin "elder" bro of me hu blindly folo wadeva u bastard & bitch sae...
coz u noe y?
he gt no brain of his own
since young,
u farkers bin damagin his mind to folo wadeva u sae
u neva mk an effort to let him tink on his own
e results of tt cn b seen now
r u happy now?
seein ur son & e "eldest" child in e fam bein so stupid?
fer u info bastard & bitch,
ur lovely & oh-so-perfect son is bein bullied in sch & at camp!
im sure u farkers doesnt noe tt
even if i tell u,
u wil nt believe me
coz y?
im e bad 1 in ur eyes
im neva e gd one...
no matta hw hard i tried to impress & luv u guys,
u juz dun c it
u may show it todae,
bt tmr,
u wil b e same farkers s e otha daes
juz watz wrong wimme?
if im reli tt farkin bad in ur blardy eyes,
throw me outta hs
tt wil at least ease ur mind ryt?
der wun b any prob if im nt in e hs
tts wat u wish fer
coz each tym im at hm,
u bitch wil purposely find fault wimme
i juz dun geddit
even if i md e same degree of mistake s tt stupid bloke
u bitch wil mk it s tho ive md a huge sin to u
& den u wil tel tt bastard husband of urs
bein an idiot husband hu is soooo scared of his own wife,
he wil listen to u witout even bother to listen to my explaination & view...
tts hw e whole familie werk
e "eldest" child wil folo lyk a farkin idiot wadeva e bitch & bastard sae
e bastard wil folo wadeva e bitch sae witout even considerin e children's view
e daughter,
tts me,
wil b e victim of al tis
"look at ur (farkin) bro, he wil owis do wadeva i told him to"
"watz wrong witchu?u tink u r old enuf to do wadeva u do?u noe ur mom......"
bin hearin e farkin same speech since god noes wen
u neva let me mingle arnd wit e neighbour's child wen i was young
u neva let me go out alone wit my frens wen i was back in sch
u neva let me werk while i was waitin fer my O's result
if i neva go against u fer all tis,
i wil juz b lyk tt son of urs
stupid
lyflesss
no frens
easily bullied
no mind of his own
he's juz lyk a zombie
y cnt any of u farkers geddit?
i dunno wat to do
i juz wana break dwn
i wana get outta hs & scream al it out
bt i cnt
coz im stuck in e middle
stuck in tis blardy hs
i juz wish my parents r more understandin
i wish i have a bro hu is protective and behave lyk his own age
all i nid is fer em to luv me s i am
not by comparison & wantin me to b a duplicate of sum1 else
wer is e luv tt i wan?
im a normal human bein
my patients & wans is wearin outz
pls let me be strong god
pls gv me e strength to carry on
at least, mk me understand my familie betta....

I Nid Enlightenment

bin feelin in e dumps e past few daes...
bt fuck hell!
i dun even noe y im feelin tis way..
skip classes since sch reopens on mon...
givin fuckin lame excuses fer skippin it...

its a mix up feelin...
kinda lost bt at e same tym please wit it...
happy?
im nt sure...
piss?
prolie...

bt i juz dun geddit...
y m i gettin al werk up?
tinkin back,
did sumbody offend me?
m i hurt by sumbody's remark/comment?
or m i juz ovareactin?
wat hv i done til im feelin shyt lyk tis...

im juz lost...
i dunno wat to do...
hu to tok to...
bottom line is,
i dunno watz my prob!
& tt feelin is bein brght to my slp too..
dreamt bout al tis shyt fer daes...
slpless nytz...
its suffocatin...
seems lyk e air arnd me is thinning...
bt y?
watz wrong actually?
i wana scream...
til al e mirrors break & shattered to pieces...
it wun solve e prob...
bt it'll definitely mk me feel betta...
much much betta...
each tym i wana scream,
sth juz hold me back...
& e feelin of shoutin juz died dwn...
im confused...
reali confused...
bt y?
its al a mix up weird feelin...
i dunno...
i reli dunno...
m juz lost...
i nid sth to perk me up...
mk me feget al tis unnoen shyt hpnin...
or at least mk me feel betta...
i cnt run away frm probs...
tts a coward act...
wana run to sumwer quiet...
sumwer tt my mind cn drift far far away...
mk me feget my probs fer a while...
mk me feel betta fer a moment...
m desperate fer tt...
feel so weak wit al tis shyt...
its killin me silently manz...
& i dowan tt to hpn...
i wan to live my lyf fulfillingly...
it sets my mind off solvin othas prob wen im havin prob...
i dunno y...
bt it juz gv me e joy & a sense of satisfaction doin it...
hakz...
weird i noe...
its juz one of those "ila" thang...

well i guess fer nw...
i hafta find sth meaningful to do to get ma mind off tis shyt...
nid to start muggin lyk hell...
tt is, if i cn get ma mind off...

urgh!
stomachache....
aiyoyo...
muz b e snails tt i ate...
yes ppl...
i ate snails...
now i kip lettin out suwit smellin gas...
& metallica is playin in my stomach...
rock it on tummy!

tick tock tick tock....
sch reopens tmr...
sigh...
was der even a holidae?
i dun tink so...
eff e test on tue...
blardy stupid test...
eff e lecturer too...
blardy curry puff...
internal joke ppl...
those hu understands hush hush...
wadeva...
e snails muz b crawlin in my tummy...
& e nerve connects to my brain...
tts y my brain a lil twisted nw...
ey muz b playin wit my nerve al ova e body...
stop it my dear snails....
its ticklish & makin me fart...

lemme put it short first...
juz fin camp & e reh was wel...
kinda "fun"...
it was quite fun fer me larz coz finalie i gt to do sth durin reh...
phew...
bt der was oso irritatin part to it larz...
reh i mean...
wil update in detail ltr ltr larz hor...
tis princess nids her beauty slp...
nytz2 nytz2

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so wat?
juz anotha year kumin & passin tru...
a yr older...
more responsibility...
more werkloads...
last yr in poly...
nah nt reli...
graduatin in 2008 1st quater...
tt oso depend if i manage to scrape tru al e tortures & torments in SP...

lyf stil e same...
stil in e same hs...
same height...
same face....
same character....

mebe a new fon...
a new hairdo....
a new makeup kit...
a new bag...
new frens...
new storage boxes...
new modules to study...

lyfs a rollercoster...
s quoted by e dearest ronan keatin in his song...
unpredictable s it is,
lyf brin each of us lyf tru it...
witout lyf,
ders no lyf,
no us...

hehx...
since wen did confucious spirit wen into ma body?
new year,
new resolutions,
new me....

wat lacks?
"motivation..."
both self & external...

Happy 2007 once again